These tips from Landover Baptist Church (like the Onion for Christians, I think) is a hoot. Especially tip #8.
8. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of – otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.