Joke of the Day. (Tax time edition.)

Sent to me from a friend who is a former rabbi.

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles..”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these matzoh purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to  trap him with an unanswerable
question. “We collect them and send them  back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzoh.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to
the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a complete dick.”

Old Fart’s Joke for the Day.

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!’

Hat tip: MadPriest

Joke of the Day.

A right wing, Christian minister checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist, ” I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”

“No,” she says. “It’s just regular porn……………….. you sick bastard.”

(Don’t blame me I stole it from Mad Priest who got it from Jay.)

Joke of Day. (High Unemployment Rate Edition.)

A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

Joke of the Day.

From Ellie via Mad Priest:

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

Laugh For The Day.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. 

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally….. I assumed you had stolen the car.”

A Saturday Laugh.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
Extremely Good Looking. ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. ’Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth ; floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Joke For The Day.

Q.: What is the difference between Obama and Osama?
A.: The Republicans are trying to get Obama!

Q.: What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A.:The Republicans haven’t laid a glove on either.

Hat tip: Padre Mickey who nicked it from a comment on Sadly, No!